The Worst Movies of 2017: A Casual Guide for Cinephiles and Movie Buffs

Alright, guys, gather 'round. We're about to dive into the cinematic equivalent of a dumpster fire: the worst movies of 2017. Now, don't get us wrong, we love a good movie – the kind that makes you laugh, cry, or question the very fabric of reality. But sometimes, Hollywood serves up a steaming pile of cinematic garbage, and it's our duty to call it out. So, grab your popcorn (and your pitchforks), and let's get started. Guys, explore more in Guides And Explainers and worst movies in 2017.

The Contenders: A Who's Who of Cinematic Disasters

Before we dive into the nitty-gritty, let's take a moment to appreciate the sheer variety of terrible movies that graced our screens in 2017. From big-budget flops to indie darlings gone wrong, no genre was safe from the scourge of cinematic awfulness.

The Emoji Movie: Yes, you read that right. In 2017, someone – someone – thought it was a good idea to make a movie about emojis. And not just any emojis, but the ones you'd find in your average smartphone keyboard. Genius, right? Wrong. So, so wrong. Baywatch: We get it, the '90s TV show was a guilty pleasure for some. But did we really need a big-screen adaptation? And did it really need to be so... bad? The answer to both questions, friends, is a resounding no. The Dark Tower: Stephen King's epic fantasy series deserved better than this mess of a movie. We're still not sure what happened here, but we're pretty sure it involved a lot of studio interference and not enough Idris Elba. Geostorm: Remember when Gerard Butler was an action hero? Neither do we. But this disaster movie about a disaster that causes... more disasters? Well, that was certainly a disaster.

The Criteria: What Makes a Movie 'Worst'?

Now, before you start throwing tomatoes at your screen, let us explain. We're not just picking on these movies for kicks – there's a method to our madness. When we say "worst," we're looking at a combination of factors:

Critical reception: What did the critics say? If the consensus is that a movie is a steaming pile of cinematic garbage, we're inclined to agree. Box office performance: Sometimes, a movie can be so bad that audiences stay away in droves. Other times, a movie can be so bad that it makes a ton of money anyway. We're looking at both ends of the spectrum here. * Cultural impact: Did the movie leave a lasting mark on pop culture? If it's still being referenced as a cautionary tale, it's probably a contender for worst movie of the year.

The Worst of the Worst: Our Top Picks

Alright, enough preamble. Let's get to the main event. These are the movies that, in our humble opinion, truly deserve the title of "worst movie of 2017."

The Emoji Movie (2017)

Let's start with the low-hanging fruit: The Emoji Movie. This... this thing... is a crime against cinema. A crime against humanity. A crime against emojis, who deserve better than this lazy, witless cash-in.

The premise is simple: what if your phone's emojis were sentient beings, living in a world inside your phone? And what if one of them, a meh emoji named Gene, wanted to be something more? It's a question that's been plaguing philosophers for centuries, and now, finally, we have an answer.

The answer, it turns out, is "not this." Not this at all.

The Emoji Movie is a soulless, joyless slog, a movie that seems to have been made by committee, with no regard for anything but the bottom line. The jokes are lazy, the plot is nonsensical, and the characters are one-dimensional. Oh, and it's also a thinly-veiled advertisement for various apps and tech companies. Because of course it is.

We could go on, but why torture ourselves – and you – any further? If you've seen The Emoji Movie, our condolences. If you haven't, well, consider yourself lucky.

Baywatch (2017)

Remember the '90s? Remember Baywatch? Remember the slow-motion running? We do. And we're not sure why we needed a big-screen adaptation, but here we are.

Baywatch stars Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron as a pair of lifeguards who team up to solve a mystery – a mystery that, spoiler alert, involves a crime lord. Because of course it does. It's not like Baywatch was ever a show about lifeguards saving people from the ocean, right?

The problem with Baywatch is that it's not sure what it wants to be. Is it a comedy? A drama? An action movie? The answer, it turns out, is "none of the above." It's a mess of a movie, a tonal disaster that's neither funny nor exciting nor suspenseful.

And yet, despite all that, Baywatch made over $178 million at the worldwide box office. Which just goes to show: sometimes, the worst movies can still be the most successful.

The Dark Tower (2017)

Stephen King's epic fantasy series The Dark Tower deserved better than this. So much better.

The story of a young boy named Jake who must help a gunslinger named Roland reach the mysterious Dark Tower, this adaptation had all the ingredients for greatness: a compelling premise, a talented cast, and a dedicated fanbase. And yet, somehow, it all went wrong.

The problem, it seems, was in the execution. Director Nikolaj Arcel and screenwriters Akiva Goldsman, Jeff Pinkner, and Anders Thomas Jensen took King's sprawling, complex series and distilled it down into a muddled, confusing mess of a movie. Characters are introduced and then promptly forgotten, plot points are left hanging, and the whole thing feels rushed and incomplete.

We could forgive all that if The Dark Tower was at least entertaining. But it's not. It's a slog, a chore to watch, a disappointing letdown for fans and newcomers alike.

Geostorm (2017)

Remember 2012? Remember how ridiculous it was? Well, Geostorm is like that, but with even less scientific accuracy and even more Gerard Butler.

In this disaster movie, Butler plays a satellite designer who must race against time to stop a series of natural disasters from wiping out humanity. The problem? His brother (Jim Sturgess) is trying to sabotage him. Because, you know, family.

Geostorm is a mess. A big, loud, stupid mess. The plot is incoherent, the characters are one-dimensional, and the special effects are laughable. And yet, despite all that, Geostorm managed to make over $228 million at the worldwide box office. Go figure.

The Lessons: What We Can Learn from the Worst Movies of 2017

So, what can we take away from this cinematic dumpster fire? Well, a few things:

Less is more: Sometimes, a simple story can be the most effective. The Emoji Movie, for instance, would have been better off sticking to one idea – any idea – and running with it, rather than trying to cram in every emoji and app it could think of. Know your audience: Baywatch tried to be too many things to too many people, and in the end, it pleased no one. If you're going to make a movie based on a TV show, know what made that show successful, and build on that. Respect the source material: The Dark Tower is a prime example of how not to adapt a book. The movie should have respected King's vision, rather than trying to reinvent the wheel. Don't phone it in: Geostorm feels like a movie made by people who didn't care. And it shows. If you're going to make a movie, put some effort into it. Make it count.

The Verdict: The Worst of the Worst

Alright, enough talk. It's time to crown the worst movie of 2017. And the winner is... The Emoji Movie.

Yes, Baywatch was a tonal disaster, and yes, The Dark Tower was a disappointing letdown, and yes, Geostorm was a laughable mess. But The Emoji Movie? The Emoji Movie was a crime against cinema. A crime against humanity. A crime against emojis.

And for that, it deserves to be remembered – and reviled – as the worst movie of 2017.

So there you have it, folks. The worst movies of 2017, laid bare for all to see. We hope you've enjoyed this journey through the cinematic dumpster fire that was last year. And if you ever find yourself in a theater, watching one of these movies, just remember: you could be watching something worse. Like, say, The Emoji Movie.

Stay tuned for next year's list. We're sure it'll be just as... enlightening.